Fast Food Apocalypse

As we drove through Adelaide in the early morning dark, we decided that we would stop at a popular fast food chain for breakfast. 'Open 24 hours' the sign said, a promising statement that proved to be misleading. Pulling into the drive through, instead of being spoken to by the usually robotic pre-recorded North American voice, we were met by a disturbing silence that didn't bode well for our 4 am breakfast. Eventually a voice came over the speaker that sounded shocked at the prospect of customers. We were quickly told that we were too early for the breakfast menu and that they were unable to do burgers as well. I quickly checked that the sign did indeed say 'open 24 hours', which turned out to mean 'open but not necessarily serving any of the restaurants signature dishes'. When asked if we could get some coffees, we were told that they would have to be done with the machine, due to the fact that the cafe wasn't open. I got the sense that this too was an out of the ordinary request. I wondered how the cafe normally did the coffee if not with a machine, possibly with beans ground by hand and a cow freshly milked in the back of the kitchen. This process of making coffee also required us to go to the waiting bay as obviously it would take some time now that the machine had to be used. Compounding the issue was the fact that the EFTPOS machine wasn't working and our ten dollar note evidently was too large. Call us cynical, but we now had a suspicion that customers were not expected. Eventually we were asked to pull into the waiting bay, just in case any more customers decided to spring themselves on the now paranoid 'fast-foodateer'.

Soon we had our 'machine made' coffees and were on our way to Melbourne.   As we drove on, we began to reflect on our strange experience and the speculations ran wild, most of it landing firmly in the ridiculous category. Maybe the 24 hour store ran on a 25 hour timetable and we'd arrived in the 25th hour. Maybe the real employee had gone off to visit a lady friend and we were talking to his wing man. Maybe he'd been sleeping in the job and we'd woken him up!  Maybe the Fast food Apocalypse had come. Maybe it really was the final hour for all things greasy and cholesterol laden to come to an end. Maybe, maybe…

As we motored on into the wee hours of the morning, the decision was made to stop at Tailem Bend for breakfast. The Coolabah Tree Cafe at the local Shell Roadhouse was always a great place to stop for breakfast and it was to there that we set our sights. However when we finally arrived in the town, to our tummy rumbling horror, we found that the roadhouse was shut and that no breakfast was to be had there today, at least not until the sun came up. We were obviously outside of the 'open 24 hour zone', if we had ever truly been in one. It was at this point that we decided, if food was to be had, it would most likely be at the border between South Australia and Victoria. Maybe the Fast food Apocalypse had failed to reach Bordertown yet and we would be free to eat eggs, toast, beans and what ever else a breakfast menu provided, as long as it didn't require accepting the 'Mark of the Beast' to do so. Thankfully, Bordertown was Apocalypse free and breakfast and more coffee was had to feed our bodies and lift our spirits. This apocalyptic out break must have been a pre-border event, where those who remain faithfully on the road to the end would eventually receive their just fast food app rewards, or at least a free refill of their favourite soft drink from the holy soft drink dispenser. 

Wiping the coffee from our now satisfied mouths, we pushed on, hour after hour, through the seemingly never ending road works of the Princes Highway. We drove at 25kph to accommodate ghost road workers that were nowhere to be seen, sat behind sluggish trucks packed to the brim with wares of all kinds. We espied the great Castle Kryal flying her flags high on the hill and saw the signs pointing to the great Marsh of Bacchus. Soon we felt our stomachs rumble again and set out to test whether the Fast food Apocalypse had crossed the border.

Before long we came across another fast food outlet with a drive-through and we began to joke about the possibilities of obtaining food from this particular establishment. Ideas such as a chicken plague or burger shortage were thrown around, as well as references to Monty Python's cheese shop sketch, which feature a cheese shop that doesn't stock any cheese. What were the chances that this drive-through would prove to be as barren as the last one. It was after we had sat in front of the speaker for several minutes that our worst fears were realised. Staring at the menu board it soon became apparent that no one was taking our order. Slowly driving around the corner, we eventually arrived at the drive-through window to see a rather embarrassed looking girl emerging from the darkness of the kitchen area. Leaning out the window she said, 'I'm sorry, we can't do food currently, the powers gone off''. The Fast food Apocalypse had caught us. It wasn't 'pre' or 'post' border, it was 'pan' border in nature, It had engulfed South Australia and Victoria and we only hoped it wouldn't take the rest of the world, after all it was sometimes food and I enjoyed having it some times. As we drove off towards Melbourne, we couldn't stop laughing. How unlucky could we be, let down twice by the food chains that are usually the travelers friend; burger joints that didn't sell burgers. From that point on we decided to avoid the Fast food Apocalypse, the rest of our trip would be dine in.

And all our arteries said, 'Amen!'.